


McCoy Does Not Get Paid Enough For This

by Ivillpunchyouinthethroat



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Humor, I swear this is one southern saying away from being a crackfic, Idiots in Love, Leonard "Bones" McCoy is So Done, Leonard "Bones" McCoy is a Good Friend, M/M, Mutual Pining, Mutual idiot pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:06:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23864236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ivillpunchyouinthethroat/pseuds/Ivillpunchyouinthethroat
Summary: Jim and Spock have been dancing around each other for the past year and a half Bones is just, really, really done.So with Uhura being sadistic and everyone else being yellow-bellied pansies, this falls to Bones.Because of course this falls to Bones.And Bones is really, really, really, god damned tempted to just shoot them both with a hypospray cocktail of all the aphrodisiacs they’ve come across in their travels (which is (un)surprisingly a lot) lock them in one of the medical rooms and let nature run its course but the last thing he needs is for Jim to have some godawful allergic reaction and then have to treat him for that reaction all the while Jim tries to hump the closest Spock-resembling inanimate object.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 28
Kudos: 272





	McCoy Does Not Get Paid Enough For This

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been like four years in the making with most of it being written when I was still super deep into the star trek alt original fandom but I just love these idiots so much and I was looking through all my wips with a promise to get one done and inspiration hit and this was the one that got done.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy these oblivious idiots ^^

McCoy does not get paid enough for this shit.

Bones does not get paid enough in general to work up in _space_ , where any number of things could—and _have_ —happened to cause sudden death in a gruesome and most horrifying way, but _this?_ This was cruel and unusual punishment; this was karma for all the years he slowly killed himself with a bottle of whiskey before Jim quite literally slapped some sense into him—this was just plain _wrong._

And of course everyone else sees it and of course no one is going near it with a 12 foot pole because Spock is Spock, the scary half Vulcan that can portray, “I will dismember you with nothing but my razor sharp intellect you unintelligent caveman of a human” with a single raise of an eyebrow and this is Jim, who, after a year and a half as Captain of the Enterprise has patented his very own “I will destroy you with my bare hands,” look complete with a deranged—but still dashing—smile and pretty blue eyes hard enough to chip marble.

Not even Uhura had tried for god’s sake, and she was probably the ballsiest member in the entire Enterprise, on par only with Jim himself—and Spock too, now that Bones thought about it, since Jim and his stupidity had started to rub off on the hobgoblin about 2 weeks after they realized that they didn’t actually hate each other.

Though, sadly for Jim, probably not in the specific way he wanted to be rubbing off on Spock.

Bones shudders at the thought. 

So, since Uhura was _not_ actually scared of Spock and especially not of Jim, Bones was pretty sure she was only keeping quiet because she liked watching Jim suffer and seeing him pine and moon about like a lovesick teenager no doubt put a skip in her step every morning.

So with Uhura being sadistic and everyone _else_ being yellow-bellied pansies, this falls to Bones.

Because of course this falls to Bones.

And Bones is really, really, _really,_ god damned tempted to just shoot them both with a hypospray cocktail of all the aphrodisiacs they’ve come across in their travels (which is (un)surprisingly a lot) lock them in one of the medical rooms and let nature run its course but the last thing he needs is for Jim to have some godawful allergic reaction and then have to treat him for that reaction all the while Jim tries to hump the closest Spock-resembling inanimate object.

And also because he might be able to surprise Jim with a needle but he’s pretty sure Spock would break his arm before he let him come close enough with a pointy object and suspicious looking medication that Spock didn’t know the _exact_ molecular composition of.

Okay and _really,_ the actual reason is because contrary to some people’s claims Bones is actually a good friend to Jim thank you very much and he’s learned to at least _tolerate_ that hissy princess of a hobgoblin, so he wouldn’t do that to them anyways.

Not to say that he isn’t tempted.

 _Sorely_ fucking tempted.

But again, he’s a good friend and because he’s a good friend he’ll give this a shot in a relatively drug-free way.

_He’s a good fucking person like that._

But Bones also knows he does not have an infinite well of patience, so he’ll give this five tries and only five and if by then Jim and Spock haven’t flown the Enterprise off into a metaphorical sunset then he’ll get the god damn hypospray ready.

***

Try 1

They’d finished a week long diplomatic meeting on planet X’taruk—mediating the final drafting of a trade agreement between it and its historically closed-door policy neighbor planet—and had found a previously undiscovered planet the next day a couple galaxies over. Initial scans had revealed that the planet was devoid of any life other than vegetation; however, it was a vegetation that seemed to maintain an approximation of the human neural network with _all_ other vegetation across the entire planet.

As Spock would say, _fascinating._

Needless to say, Spock had found it fascinating enough that he’d requested to beam down and take some samples, Jim had said yes but only if he accompanied him because the last time Spock had beamed down to a vegetation only planet the vegetation had tried to eat him. Bones had then added himself to the list just in case the man-eating vegetation turned out to be poisonous on top of everything else.

Spock had also decided to bring a small group of science officers because it would be a wonderful learning opportunity but since Spock had currently just sent the party to collect samples _over yonder_ while the three of them collected samples _over here_ Bones could not have thought of a better opportunity to give his first attempt at what he’d tentatively dubbed _Get the Two Dumbasses to Stop Being Dumbasses_ —he was a doctor not a poet damn it—a go.

Setting down the medical pack he’d brought full of all the supplies he’d need should the plant-life around them decide it was dinner time Bones takes one last deep breath, steels himself, and speaks.

“So,” he drawls, “Whod’ve thought, eh?”

Spock, turns from where he’d been collecting soil samples into small vials, “To what do you refer, Dr. McCoy?”

“The fact that we’re a year out in space already and you two have not only _not_ killed each other but have also managed to run the Enterprise in a half decent fashion. Not that I would expect any different from our very own walking Starfleet regulation manual,” Bones says as he gestures over at Spock, “Just honestly, for the first couple of weeks, I kept expecting one or both of you to blow a gasket and go at each other like half crazed chickens.”

“Dr. McCoy, the specifics surrounding my _only_ incident of using physical force against the Captain was under an emotionally strenuous time and will not occur again. It was also, at the time, the Captain’s intention that I—”

“I’m just saying,” Bones quickly interrupts, making himself look busy inspecting what looked to be this planets equivalent of crab grass so that he doesn’t have to look either of them in the eye as he continues, “You two…you make a pretty damn good team. Jim you make Spock over here a little less prickly, and Spock you’ve somehow managed to tone down Jim’s stupidity-- for the most part. Hell, he makes a half decent Captain, now.”

“Aww Bones, you flatter me.” Jim replies with amusement but there’s a dash of suspicion in his eyes too.

“You—you’re good for each other in your own weird way, is all I’m saying.” Bones hastily tacks on.

Silence stretches out.

“Okay why are you being so nice?” Jim says voice heavy with distrust. “Wait,” he hurries over Bones way, “Did you breathe in some plant pollen, is it actually poisonous? Shit, are you going to start convulsing now?”

“Oh to hell with you Jim,” Bones says as Jim chuckles, but out of the corner of his eye he sees that Spock is quiet, contemplating. The Vulcan tilts his head to the side.

“I believe,” Spock begins, “Jim would have been a ‘half decent Captain’ as you so put it Dr. McCoy regardless of my influence, as Jim does innately possess certain abilities and qualities of character that make a him a more than adequate Captain for Enterprise, a Captain that is most agreeable to serve under.

 _Hot damn, progress!_ Jim is close enough that Bones can see the beginnings of a smile stretching his lips.

Bones is just giving himself a mental pat on the back and beginning to think that maybe he’d been overthinking the difficulty of all this; that maybe all these two idiots needed was a nudge in the right direction (that everyone else was too spineless to even _attempt_ ) when Spock continues speaking and any hope that this would be easy shatters into tiny little pieces.

“However, the Captain also retains various qualities that _do not_ befit a captain’s position, nor do they give credit to the Starfleet name which we all are tasked to uphold as members of such an organization and _especially_ as seated officers.”

The tentative smile that’d been forming on Jim’s lips is gone faster than green grass through a goose. But before Bones can interject and do at least a little damage control, Spock the green-blooded idiot, _keeps going._

“Namely, his inability to attend a single diplomatic event without engaging in sexual activities for its duration with one or more of the event’s attendees, as occurred on our stay at X’taruk.”

Jim stared at Spock in something akin to shock before sputtering out incredulously, “Wait, did you, did you just call me a _whore_?”

“I do not believe I mentioned such a word Captain.”

“You didn’t need to— _Jesus Spock,_ ” Jim pulls up a smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, “What I do in my personal time really isn’t the business of Starfleet, or my first officer, now is it?”

“Correct. But what you do during diplomatic events, _during_ Starfleet time is in fact the business of Starfleet, Captain. And as your first officer I believe it is my duty to let you know when I believe you are acting in a way unbefitting of your rank.”

Spock, who’d been crouched, picked that moment to stand up and it was only then, as one of the planet’s two suns glinted off the test tube still in his hand, that Bones notices Spock’s grip tighten ever so slightly around it.

 _Dear God,_ Spock was _jealous_ and choosing now of all horrible times to show it, using Starfleet regulation to no doubt try and explain the strange new feelings the half Vulcan was experiencing.

“Oh, I’m sorry Spock, am I not living up to Vulcan propriety or something?”

“Those were not my—”

“Because, newsflash Spock, I’m not actually Vulcan, I’m human, and humans—this one in particular—likes to fuck.”

Nothing in Spock’s demeanor changes, not even his damn eyebrows, but his gaze goes sharp anyways.

“I am aware of these human tendencies Captain. I also do not presume to impose Vulcan values on those that are not Vulcan.”

“Then what is it Spock?” Jim spits, “Am I going against _your_ personal values or something? I thought the whole point of being Vulcan was to _not_ let your personal feelings get in the way.”

Spock bristles, his hand tightening further, the glass in his grip in danger of breaking under the Vulcan’s shaking strength.

“Any personal feelings in this situation are not present nor are they relevant Captain—”

_Oh bull-fucking-shit they aren’t_

“—as your first officer I am merely doing my duty in stating the ways in which I believe your captaincy might be bettered,” he finishes with all of a Vulcan’s icy demeanor.

“Yeah well next time you feel like sharing, do me a favor, don’t.” Jim responds as he stalks off in the direction of the science team with all the petulance of a 5-year-old.

Bones is left alone with a just as petulant half Vulcan who’s now stabbing the ground with much more force than necessary as he takes some more samples and _hell_ if Bones is going to try and salvage the situation after _that._

Try 1: Failure

***

Try 2

Divide and conquer, a good battle tactic.

Bones tries his luck again after he and Jim are in an adequate amount of inebriation (as Spock would say).

“So,” begins Bones, “you wanna bone the hobgoblin.”

Jim shuts down almost immediately, whiskey chugging through his blood be damned.

“We’re not gonna talk about that Bones.”

(Eww he’d just called him Bones, that's why Bones shouldn’t have used “bone” as a verb)

“But come on Jim, it’s kinda—”

“We’re _not_ gonna talk about that Bones.” Jim says with more emphasis, complete with his Captain James Tiberius Kirk look of death.

Bones backs down.

(Not because the look actually scares him mind you, but because Bones knows how to pick his losses and if half a bottle of whiskey isn’t going to make Jim open up then Bones’ winning personality sure ain’t gonna do the trick)

Try 2: Failure

***

Try 3

Bones had hoped it wouldn’t have come down to this, _dear god he’d hoped,_ but desperate times and all that.

Time to corner the Hobgoblin.

While Spock had become a lot more sociable in the past couple of years, he was still half Vulcan and being half Vulcan, he did still enjoy his solitude. That meant that if Jim or the immediate bridge crew which Spock had somehow managed to endear himself too (Chekov practically idolized him, Bones would think it cute, if it weren’t you know _Spock)_ or if Scotty (who Spock had struck up the weirdest friendship with, no matter that half the time Scotty kept trying to shove a drink or six in Spock’s face and when he finally found out that chocolate was what did it for Vulcans, bought him an entire damn double fudge chocolate cake for his birthday; that Spock even tasted the damn thing was a testament to his friendship with the Scottish pyscho ) aren’t sitting in the mess during meal times then Spock usually prefers to retreat to the quiet seclusion of one of the corner tables. And in a corner is exactly where Bones finds him when he walks into the mess during lunch.

As soon as Bones replicates himself the greasiest burger with extra bacon that the replicator can code along with some of the saltiest fries he can palate (because if he’s gonna be trying to give Pointy love advice, the least he can do is give _himself_ some comfort food) he marches his way over to the lone Vulcan and practically throws his plate on the his table.

Spock doesn’t flinch at the sound, but one of his eyebrows does twitch, and from the second-hand _learn-to-read-my-half-Vulcan’s-feelings_ lessons he gets from Jim, he knows that’s about the equivalent.

He settles himself down in the chair opposite Spock and he would feel bad for intruding on the Vulcan’s quality time, but well, he doesn’t.

“Doctor.” Spock intones, voice neutral.

“Spock.” Bones answers, biting through a fry.

Spock continues, ever direct and to the point.

“Doctor, due to the absence of all other crew members who you deem “friends” despite the often insulting manner with which you address them, and due to the fact that this is only the fourth instance in our history aboard the Enterprise that you have actively chosen to partake solely in my company, I can only conclude that—following the trend of the other four occurrences—you have Starfleet business to speak of?”

“Aww come now Spock, can’t I just come and sit down because I wanna enjoy your, _illuminating_ , company?”

He gets a full eyebrow raise for that one.

Bones chuckles, and decides that if he’s gonna get anywhere with this, he might as well make a peace offering of sorts.

“Okay okay Spock, I’ll admit that you weren’t my favorite Vulcan for a very long time, but you know, marooning your best friend on a deserted ice planet where he almost died a few times _can_ put you on a person’s bad side.”

“Doctor, as you were and are surely aware of, I was emotionally compromised at that point in time and, while that does not excuse my decision and while I do acknowledge that the decision I made was in fact, erroneous, you cannot deny that it was through that same decision that Jim was able to find ambassador Spock and ultimately, as a Terran would say ‘save the day’. Furthermore, I have already apologized for my actions to Jim a year and 257 days ago, that you would still continue to harbor resentful feelings for a decision which Jim, the affected person, no longer does, is highly illogical.”

Damn, the Vulcan had that number just ready to go didn’t he.

“Calm down don’t get your science blues in a bunch Spock, I didn’t come here to tell you that I still hate you for almost killing my friend, I came to tell you that I _don’t_ actually—hold anymore resentment that is. I stopped wishing a Haruvian plague upon you for that stunt a long time ago.” MCoy pauses, chomps through another fry. “Look, I know I may not show it, _ever_ , but I’m actually glad your Jim’s first officer. You keep him centered, don’t let him get himself blown up nearly as often, you’re probably one of the only one of us that can slap some sense into him when he won’t see reason, you’re…...you’re _good_ for him Spock.”

Spock just looks at him, blinks once, slowly, and offers out a level.

“I see.”

Which again according to Jim is Spock-ease for, “This conversation did not go where I expected it to go and the half Vulcan part of my mind is now furiously trying to compute what to do/say next”.

But kudos to him because he does keep going, if a bit awkwardly.

“I am…thankful for your sentiments Doctor, it pleases me that you no longer harbor feelings of ill will. I too have a great respect and admiration for you and for the services you offer the Enterprise. I believe you are a large factor in why our casualties have stayed at a minimum.”

Well, he mentioned respect and admiration, and while that isn’t friendship bracelets and secret handshakes, Bones takes it. Time for what he _really_ came down here for.

“And _you_ seem like your pretty happy working here right, as first officer?”

“Yes, it is agreeable.”

“As _Jim’s_ first officer.”

“Yes, it is agreeable.”

“Yeah, but I mean it’s _more_ than agreeable, working for Jim, right?”

“Too put it in more colloquial Terran terms, I am satisfied with my position as first officer.”

“Okay, well… that’s not really colloquial but Spock—it’s Jim right? The main reason you are ‘satisfied’ or whatever is because of Jim, because you like working with Jim because as a person, you _like_ Jim.”

“Jim does make an agreeable Captain who, as I have said, I am satisfied to work under—”

“Yes, but regardless of whether he’s Captain or not it’s Jim, right, you _like_ _Jim.”_

Spock’s eyebrows twitch downward and he gets that look of constipation on his face which means he’s actually puzzled over something.

“I do not believe I understand the context of your question Doctor, is there perhaps another Terran definition for the word “like” which I am unaware of?”

Bone’s feels his own eyebrow twitch and before he can stop himself he’s already speaking.

“Oh for the love of—Spock, you _like_ the man! Like as in you want to form a relationship with him, a romantic relationship, a sexual relationship, _any_ type of relationship, take your damn pick!”

It takes a bit longer than usual but understanding of Bone’s words seem to finally dawn on Spock and when they do is when Bone’s sees his eyes widen a millimeter and flood with something akin to panic (if Vulcans could panic that is) as he hastily collects his plate and quickly mumbles out a “Excuse me Doctor, I have some samples that require my attention,” before all but fleeing from the mess.

Bones is left there alone and while he supposes he should be a little proud that he managed to literally scare a _Vulcan_ away with nothing but his words, he also knows that he failed.

Again.

Try 3: Failure.

***

Try 4

Try 4 is less an actual _purposeful_ try from Bones than it’s just Bones being at the right place at the right time (sort of).

He’s at the right place because he’s the Enterprise’s chief medical officer so he spends most of his time in med bay anyway and he’s there at right time because if your first Officer manages to get himself shot by throwing himself in front of his idiot Captain to take the laser fire that was meant for Jim straight through the chest, puncturing a lung and causing immediate respiratory failure—then you bet your ass Bones isn’t going leave Spock in anybody’s hands other than his own.

Spock is transported to medical via Jim’s arms, Jim himself a flurry of panic and splashes of green as he’d set the wheezing half Vulcan on a bed all the while yelling at Bones to come _fix him._

Bones had set himself to do just that and it’s while Spock is half in half out of consciousness and as Bones is yelling for his nurses to hand him equipment and hypos full of all the medication needed to hopefully stabilize Spock because his vitals are dropping _alarmingly,_ that Bones also manages to catch Jim holding onto one of Spock’s hands in a death grip; and while that wouldn’t be such a strange occurrence for a _human_ about to kick the bucket, Spock _isn’t—_ full Human that is. And just the fact that he _hadn’t_ shaken Jim’s hand off was already telling enough.

But Bone’s is a doctor first and foremost and right now he has a patient to save so he’s just about to shoo Jim away because he needed to get Spock ready to operate 5 minutes ago that Jim lets out a strangled, “ _Please_ Spock,” when Spock’s eyelids close and don’t open again, “I need you.”

Bones just manages to catch Spock’s hand tighten around Jim’s own before it goes slack and Spock goes under and there’s alarms going off on all the monitors because Spock is actually _dying._

It takes three nurses to actually get Jim out of med bay but they finally do and then Bones is left to save the man that his best friend is so utterly in love with.

***

Spock stays under for four days and no matter how many times Bones tells Jim that he’s stable, that it’s only a matter of time before he wakes up, for three out of those four days Jim refuses to move from his spot by Spock’s side; it isn’t until Bones threatens him with a hypo full of sedatives that he finally leaves to take a shower and get a proper meal.

So of course, it’s when Jim’s gone that Spock decides to wake up.

“Well, well, Sleeping Beauty finally decided to grace us with her presence, eh? How are you feeling Spock, any disorientation, dizziness, nausea?”

“I am well doctor. Furthermore, I fail to see the connection between a predominantly blonde woman of Terran fiction and myself.”

Bones laughs, and it sounds relieved even to his own ears and when he speaks again his voice is lighter than he usually directs at Spock and he means every single one of his words.

“It’s good to have you back Spock.”

Spock gives him a softer look—by which Bones means his eyebrows are .2 millimeters less angled— before his gaze sweeps around the room and ahh, he’s looking for Jim.

“He’d been here for 3 days without moving and I had to threaten him with a hypo to make him go get some fresh air and food.”

The angle comes back to Spock’s brows but whether that was because of Jim’s negligence of duties or the fact that _Spock_ had been the reason for those negligence of duties Bones will never know as the med bay door chooses that exact moment to hiss open.

Jim walks in with a steaming cup of coffee in hand and three days’ worth of stubble still on his face, which tells Bones that the dumbass had probably taken a one minute sonic shower, replicated some shit coffee, and then had come straight back here.

His eyes are downcast as he walks in and it’s only as he’s crossed the doorway and the door hisses close behind him that he finally looks up.

Now, Bones isn’t someone to wax poetic about _anyone’s_ eyes least of all Jim’s but the moment that Jim sees Spock is awake his eyes look—well they look _alive_ again.

They go from the dull muddy blue they’d become, black bags of exhaustion darkening them even further and the stark lines of sleep deprivation etched deep into the contours of his face, to the bright brilliant blue that was just as much as part of Jim’s persona as his command gold. 

“Spock,” he breathes, voice breathless with wonder, “you’re awake.”

He’s halfway running to Spock’s bedside, coffee sloshing onto his hand with the abrupt movement but Jim doesn’t so much as notice.

 _This it is,_ Bones thinks, because there’s _awe_ in Jim’s voice, reverence, and a relief so _plain_ that Jim could have been a complete stranger and Bones _still_ would have known how much Spock meant to him.

“I—” Jim starts, flounders mouth opening and closing.

 _There it is, there it_ finally _fucking is and it only took Spock almost_ dying _to get them there—_

Jim’s hand tenses around his mostly forgotten mug and when he speaks again it’s not with the same tone of reverence that he’d walked in with. No, Jim speaks like he’s nothing but the Captain of the Enterprise once more, addressing any of the hundreds of officers under his command.

“Glad to see you’re doing better Mr. Spock.”

The _fuck—_

“I…thank you for your concern Captain—”

“However, the next time you decide to go suicidal on me please keep in mind that finding a replacement first officer is a pain in the ass and I’d rather not be filling out those requisition forms.”

Spock shuts down, his face goes blank and when he answers his voice is that general monotony that Spock usually reserves for anybody that _wasn’t_ Jim.

“I will keep that in mind Captain.”

And then Jim, the absolute fucking _dumbass,_ turns around and starts _walking out of med bay._

Bones freezes, like a deer in fucking headlights.

Spock took the equivalent of a _bullet_ for Jim, the Vulcan loves him so much he would literally _die_ for him and Jim had held his hand and told him that he better not die because he _needed_ him and _this_ is all that happened.

_Nothing._

Bones is numb he really fucking his, he doesn’t know what’s happening anymore.

No, really, he doesn’t, because when he finally wakes up from the thought of _YOU FUCKING IDIOTS_ he sees that his hands are currently moving on autopilot getting a horny hypspray ready to no doubt plunge into both their neck’s with way more force than necessary.

_Put it away McCoy, put it away, you can’t forcibly hypospray an invalid._

It takes him the utmost of efforts but he sets the hypospray down and instead starts Spock’s routine check-over now that he’s awake as the Vulcan does nothing but stare at the closed med bay door.

It’s only later when Spock is finally cleared and discharged that Bones takes the hypospray and throws it into drawer at his office desk, locks it, then throws the key away into the recycler.

No need to tempt himself more than he already is.

Try 4: Failure

***

Try 5

_Mary Mother of God, Jesus Christ, Buddha, Confucius, Cthulhu, and all the other deities I don’t believe in please let this fucking work._

This was his last shot, his last desperate attempt to get them to see through their own fucking _stupidity._

This last shot has to work, _it has to,_ Bones thinks as he walks down a hall and towards one of the Enterprise’s rec rooms, because Bones doesn’t really know what he’ll do at this point if it doesn’t.

Starfleet had recently made first contact with the planet Quardda and the planet’s government had just granted permission for Starfleet to come in and study some of the planet’s ecosystem. Starfleet was particularly interested in some of the planet’s lakes, something about them being rich in some sort of extremely rare microorganism or the other. The Enterprise had been tasked with escorting the team of science officers that Starfleet had assembled to Quardda and they’d picked them up at a space port just a few days ago.

The team had settled in well as far as Bones knew, and Bones _also_ knew that his evening was when he’d find both the Captain and his first officer in rec room C entertaining their new guests.

Bones turns a corner and the rec room finally comes into view. He pauses before its door and takes a deep breath.

 _Last try,_ he reminds himself grimly before the door swishes open.

He finds the Quardda science team in clumps around the room, talking amongst themselves or to other Enterprise officers, mostly the science team. He keeps searching, eyes open for two very specific people.

He finds Spock first.

The Vulcan is in a corner of the room, speaking animatedly—actually _animatedly_ for Spock—to one of the Quardda officers about some of the experiments his team was set to conduct on Quardda’s bigger lakes. The officer was Talfan, an androgynous purple skinned humanoid, and from the way they kept leaning into Spock and the way they kept throwing smiles the Vulcan’s way, they were clearly interested in more than just science. Spock, for his part, was either completely missing out on the fact that he was being very openly hit on or was ignoring it in favor of continuing whatever the hell science conversation they were having.

Knowing Spock, it was probably a bit of both.

Spock liked to keep people thinking he was oblivious but he actually picked up on a lot more than he let on, Jim had been the first one to call him out on that—

_Shit_

_Jim_

Bones’ gaze veers frantically across the room, searching for a certain blue-eyed captain—

And there he is, exactly as Bone’s expected to find him, with a grip too tight around a cup of some sort of liquor no doubt, and throwing stormy looks the Talfan’s way as he halfheartedly chats with another of the science officers; a pretty human brunette.

But okay, this was fine. It was _fine._ The situation might be throwing a bit of a wrench in shot number five, but it was still manageable, still salvageable, he’d just have to change it up a bit, improvise, and it’d still be good.

That is until Jim _smiles_ and Bones forgets any semblance of a plan he might have had.

Because Bones _knows_ that smile.

It’s the James Tiberius Kirk smile of seduction and it’s aimed straight at the pretty brunette science officer.

It’s the smile that Jim whipped out when he didn’t want to sleep alone that night, Bones would know, he’d seen Jim pull it out far too many times back at their academy days.

Jim was fucking _jealous_ and was going to deal with his jealousy in the only way that made sense in his screwed up pretty boy head. By screwing around.

Jim leans a little closer to the officer, smile firmly entrenched now, eyes simmering, and Bones knows he’s going to succeed with his dumbass little plan by the way the science officer leans in too, by the way she smiles subtly shifts her weight so that the curves of her figure are apparent.

The hairs on the back of Bones’ neck prickle and he’s looking back over to Spock who—

Yeah, the Vulcan looks like he’s stopped midsentence and is currently just staring over Jim’s way.

And Bones—Bones can feel his already thin patience, _fraying._

He takes deep breathes, _very_ deep breaths, itching to get his hands on a hypospray even as his mind is already whirling trying to figure out _how the hell he’s going to salvage this—_

Spock turns back to the Talfan, tilts his head inquisitively, almost like he’d done back at the vegetation only planet when Bones had said he and Jim made a good team. And then Spock, the green-blooded bastard, starts _leaning in too_ , and Bones can just about feel his eyes bugging out of his because Spock was—

Spock was _flirting?_

Yes, _yes he was,_ because the Talfan’s antennae wiggle in a way that transmit that this is _exactly_ the thing that the Talfan wanted and—

Bones’ patience _snaps._

“You two,” Bones says, and he doesn’t even need to raise his voice for the whole room to quiet down, The perks of raising a small child some tiny part of Bones’ brain that _isn’t_ fuming reminds him, he can convey disappointment and anger without even having to raise his voice, “medbay, _now._ ”

Jim and Spock, to their credit, don’t even bother asking who it is he’s talking to. They’d been on the receiving end of both Bones’ loud and quiet rage enough to already _know._ Bones takes some satisfaction in that.

“Bones,” Jim says with a tight smile, inching closer to the the brunette, like he _knew_ what it was Bones was seeing and wanted to give the best non-verbal _fuck off_ he could, “I’m sure whatever this no doubt _non-emergency_ is it can wait until tomorrow morning—"

“ _Now,_ Jim.” Is all Bones says as he turns around, opens the door, and starts heading back towards med bay.

He’s only a few feet down the hall when he hears the swish of the rec room door and two pairs of booted feet following him.

Perfectly in sync, of course.

***

The pair follow behind him quietly, sulkily, Bones would go as far as to say, and it isn’t until the door to his office is sliding closed that Bones finally rounds on them.

“You two,” he starts, “are acting like absolute god damn _children!”_

Jim has the decency to look startled, Spock on the other hand does nothing but raise a damn eyebrow.

“Dr. McCoy, while I understand that Vulcan’s are often times mistaken for mind readers, I can assure you that we are not. I therefore would like to ask for clarification as to why you consider the captain and I to be infants.

“Oh, don’t start with me you damn hobgoblin,” Bones practically spits. He absently wonders if he’s starting to go red, because he definitely feel a vein starting to throb at his temple. That usually meant he was going red in the face right about now.

“Oookay there Bones,” Jim tries next, hands up placatingly, “clearly we’ve done something to piss you off here, but—”

“You _fucking think_ Jim?” Bones rounds on him, “I’ve had to watch you two moon over each other like lovesick fucking _teenagers!_ Do you know how ridiculous that is? The captain of Starfleet’s flagship and his _Vulcan_ first officer pining over each other enough that _the entire crew notices_ but you two are apparently so dense that it completely flies over _both_ your heads?”

Spock raises his eyebrow even _further_ like that’s somehow more preposterous than calling them both children and then Jim laughs, just fucking _laughs_ and it might be a fake as shit laugh but it’s a laugh nonetheless. When he finally quiets down to talk it’s with his Captain James Tiberius Look of Death, as if _that_ had ever actually worked on Bones.

“Look Bones, I can tell you’ve dug into your stash of Andorian brandy so I’m not going to take anything coming out of your mouth too seriously at the moment. Now, Spock and I here have a science team to go entertain so why don’t you call us back when you’re not quite so hammered and then we’ll talk.”

Everything whites out for a second.

Bones was done, he was _so fucking done._ Where the fuck was that horny hypospray, oh right, he’d locked it in a drawer and thrown the key away. No matter.

He walks to his instrument panel and picks up one of his medical lasers, the kind that replaced bone saws decades ago.

“Uh Bones, buddy, what are you doing with that.” Jim asks, uncertainty starting to lace his voice.

“Indeed, doctor McCoy, there is nobody at present who requires any type of surgery.”

Bones ignores them, powering on the laser as he walks over to his desk. As soon as the laser is ready to go he aims it towards the lock on the drawer and switches it on. A low grating noise fills the room and sparks fly as the laser tears through the metal of the desk.

“Bones what the fuck!” Jim shouts.

But again, Bones ignores him, just keeps on drilling.

Bones knows he is not a patient person by nature but he’s pretty sure that he could be the reincarnation of Mother Teresa and the two flailing idiots behind him would have still made him snap.

The lock disintegrates below him. He yanks the drawer open, sees the hypospray gleam orange in the reflected light of melting metal.

_There you are_

He reaches inside, hypospray fitting perfectly into his hands and _oh_ but he was going to _fucking enjoy_ stabbing it into Jim’s neck.

“Bones! _Bones!_ ”

But Bones is done, he’s seeing red, so he advances on Jim, hypospray weapon up and ready to plunge in an arc into Jim’s neck, but then Spock speaks and his tone is _frigid_. It cuts through Bone’s haze of rage in an instant, ice crawling up his spine at the words and the intent behind him.

“Dr. McCoy, if you do not cease advancing upon Jim with a hypospray of unknown medication and harmful intent, I _will_ be forced to intervene, using any force I deem necessary to prevent harm to the Captain of this ship.”

Bones _does_ stop at that, hypospray frozen in midair, and it’s only at Spock’s voice that his rage starts to subside, that his mind starts coming back to him.

 _Jesus,_ is this what these idiots had reduced him to?

“ _Jesus fucking Christ Jim,”_ he mutters, hypospray hand starting to lower—

And then the ship _lurches_ , Bones stumbles forward, and the hypospray ends up buried in Jim’s neck anyway.

“What the fuck Bones!” Jim says as the ship rights itself and he regains his footing, hand coming up to paw at his neck.

“Oh shit,” Bones says, quietly.

“Doctor,” there’s a scary half Vulcan advancing on him now, “what did you inject Jim with?”

The ships alarms start blaring, Sulu’s voice coming in over the comm.

“We’re being attacked by a lone Klingon vessel! Captain we need you at the helm!”

“Oh shit,” Bones says with more emphasis before his vision is filled with nothing but Spock. “Doctor, I will ask again. What did you inject into Jim?”

Bones peaks over Spock’s shoulder where Jim is blinking and shaking his head, color starting to flood into his cheeks.

“I…I think we’re about to see,” Bones says weakly as Jim finally rights himself and looks over at Spock, blue eyes all but fucking sparkling _._

“Spock, have I ever told you that you’re _fucking gorgeous?_ ”

Spock’s face does a very interesting thing and then he’s whipping back around towards Jim.

“Captain—?”

“I’ve always thought that, even back when you hated me. You’re _beautiful_.”

“Captain,” Spock tries again, not quite sputtering but very close, “this is clearly not the appropriate time to be—”

“Spock,” Jim says, genuine smile on his face, “I couldn’t give less of a shit about an appropriate time right now because I’ve wanted to tell you this since we started this damn mission. Spock, go out with me, because I think I might be in love with you.”

Spock’s eyes widen, they actually _widen_ and his eyebrows go straight up to his perfectly kept hairline.

“Captain, you are clearly under the influence of an unknown drug and are speaking words that you do not mean.”

Jim does nothing but walk forward “Bullshit Spock, this is what I _feel_ it’s what I’ve _always_ felt.” And before Spock can dodge him Jim has a hand cupped around Spock’s cheek.

Now it’s the Vulcan’s turn to stagger, one hand coming to clasp over the hand at his face.

“ _Jim,”_ the Vulcan says and it’s breathless and reverent and so so soft as his eyes slip shut.

 _Oh, right_ , Bone’s thinks, _touch telepath._

“ _Th’y’la”_ Spock whispers eyes fluttering open and liquid and so god damn _soft_ and then Spock is leaning down and kissing Jim and—

It’s very closed lipped, very chaste and almost…shy kiss.

_Wow that hypospray was not as potent as I thought it would be—_

“Good,” Jim says as he leans back, fond smile on his face. “Now that that’s out of the way,” and then his smile goes _lecherous,_ “I need you to fuck me so hard that I can’t walk straight afterwards _._ ”

Spock jerks backwards, drops Jim’s hand like it burned _._ He hastily backs up, retreats like Jim was a threat instead of the man he’d been kissing only a moment prior.

“Dr. McCoy, _what did you give him?”_ He sounds on the verge of panicking.

“Aphrodisiac,” Bones finally answers.

“You did what?” Spock rounds on him.

The fact that Spock asked a question he’d at any other time deem redundant and pointless speaks to how flustered the Vulcan actually is.

“Well it was the only way I could think of for you two to finally get over your constipated asses and admit you’re in love with each other! You’re welcome by the way!”

“Come _on_ Spock,” Jim says, his pupils are dilating, color rising high on his cheekbones, chest starting to heave as if he can’t get enough air, “I _know_ you felt it too, my want. I’ve been waiting _so long_ for you. I _need you,_ need you to fuck me _right now.”_

Ah, well, looked like the hypospray was finally kicking in full force.

“Doctor McCoy, while I do wish to engage in sexual intercourse with Jim at some point in the future of our relationship I would rather it not be while he is under the influence of an alien sexual stimulant.”

Spock continues to back up and Jim continues to follow, like a wolf scenting its prey.

“Yeah thanks Spock, that’s not something I needed or wanted to know—”

“Spock— _Jesus Christ Spock,_ I—I need you—bend me over the fucking desk and take me raw, I wanna feel your cock inside me.”

By this point Jim’s pupils are so wide that there’s barely a sliver of blue around the edges to be seen. Sweat is beginning to bead at his temples and both his cheeks and neck are turned a nice shade of crimson, the flush traveling down into the collar of his command gold.

“I want to come with nothing but your cock inside me, without touching myself because I know you’d make it that good. _Fuck,_ I need to know what you feel like, I want to be inside you, to know what you look like when you come, what you’ll feel like clenched around me—shit—fuck—Spock I can’t—I—just _please,_ fucking _please,_ fuck me so hard that I go hoarse from screaming your name out, I need it—I need you— _right fucking now.”_

Bones feels…slightly nauseated.

He turns over to Spock—

 _Dear God_ there’s a pale green flush high on Spock’s cheekbones and at the tips of his ears, his lips are parted, breathing slightly elevated and he’s all but squirming where he stands.

“Good god Spock, don’t jump the man while he’s hopped up on alien Viagra, just help me get him a neutralizer.”

Spock turns to him, appearing as if he’s trying to regain a semblance of composure before he clears his throat, voice the just slightest bit wavery, “Doctor, such a result had been your intention in injecting the captain with such a mixture, had it not? An unwise choice, as we can currently see—”

“Oh get off your high horse you pointy eared bastard, I’m not the one in danger of popping a hard on at Jim talkin’ a bit dirty.”

Against his better judgement Bone’s gaze flicks down before he hastily brings it back up.

“Well, past danger really.”

To Bone’s immense and utter satisfaction Spock goes even greener and then does nothing but tighten his lips and avert his eyes and Bones could just about cry in laughter if they weren’t currently being bombarded by Klingons, sirens wailing shipwide summoning the—currently incapacitated—Captain to the bridge.

So instead he lets himself snort once and then goes all business, even if there is still a hint of amusement in his usually gruff voice.

“Just hold him down, okay,” Bones says as he hurriedly gets a system clearing hypospray ready.

 _Ooh boy, Jim was_ really _gonna feel this one._

Bones smirks.

_Good._

He turns around with the hypo in hand and Spock can only nod stiffly as he makes his way over to Jim at Bones’ signal.

“ _Fuck yes,_ hold me down Spock, hold me down and fucking _ravage me—“_

Spock grabs Jim by the arms, swivels him so that his back is to Bones but Bones is pretty sure that he could have come at Jim with the hypo at full charge and the idiot still wouldn’t have paid him a second of attention.

“Take me Spock, _take me—“_

The hypo plunges in with the most satisfying hiss.

Jim twitches, hand up going up to his neck on instinct and then—

Then Bones watches his face go so god damn red that for a moment he thinks Jim’s having some awful reaction because of _course_ he fucking would; but then Jim speaks and the mortifying embarrassment in his voice is so clear that it is _music_ to Bones’ ears.

“Oh my God, _Spock_ —”

They’re hit with another wave of Klingon fire and the ship lurches in a way much like the one that had made Bones plunge the horny hypo into Jim’s neck in the first place.

Spock, ever the Vulcan, is the first to speak.

“We are under attack by a Klingon vessel Captain, your presence is needed at the bridge.”

To Jim’s credit, he just snaps his mouth shut and nods his head and even if his cheeks are still cherry red he and Spock run to the door, paces perfectly matched.

***

They survive.

The whole fight is pretty short actually. It’d only been one Klingon vessel attacking them, a newly minted warlord trying to find some easy glory and thinking that a lone Starfleet ship would do the trick. 

Soon after they’d started receiving fire Urahara (like the damn good communications officer she was) had managed to patch in to a relatively nearby Startfleet vessel. So really, they’d only needed to bunker down for a few minutes before their backup had arrived and the Klingon ship had been easy to subdue after that.

And now, well, now Bones finds himself making his way to Jim’s quarters, because now that all the commotion was done and over with, now that they weren’t in danger of actually dying anymore— _now_ Bones wanted to check in and make sure that everything the idiots had confessed to each other in med bay had actually _stuck._

Because Jim might have confessed his undying love and Spock might had done the Vulcan equivalent but the amount of mental gymnastics that they had to have gone through _before_ all this to _not_ notice each other’s pining—yeah Bones _still_ didn’t really trust them.

(And, yeah okay, _maybe_ he was feeling just the slightest bit bad about the whole stabbing Jim with a hypospray and them confessing their love while Jim was under a lust filled stupor—but only a _little…_ he wasn’t apologizing, damn it!)

He nears Jim’s quarters, eyes Spock’s before deciding that he’d talk to Jim first and _then_ the Vulcan he’s just about to ring for entry when—

There’s a thump from Jim’s door, it rattles, as if something had been thrown against it, or someone…

“Fuck, yeah, _Spock…_ ”

Oh

_Oh_

_Hot diggity damn,_ it’d worked, it’d actually fucking worked and then it’d _kept working._

“Dr.McCoy?”

Bones turns around, probably has a deranged expression on his face because Chekov actually takes a step back from him.

“Uh,” there’s a pad in one of the kid’s hands, “I’m here to see First Officer Spock, he asked for these reports after ze battle.”

There’s another thump from Jim’s door, Chekov gives it a strange look.

“You know what,” Bones says, “I don’t think Spock’s going to be needed those reports quite yet.”

Chekov, bless the kid, keeps going, even if he looks a little confused.

“No, really Dr. McCoy, I should be handing these reports to ze First Officer, he requested them and I know he will want them before the night is out.”

“Not tonight kid, not tonight,” he’s in such a good mood right now and not even the look of bewilderment Chekov is throwing his way is enough to wipe away the probably somewhat frightening smile on his face.

He claps Chekov on the shoulder, “Say kid, word on the ship is you can hold your liquor, I’ve got a nice stash of Andorian brandy waitin’ for me back at the office, up for a drink?”

There’s another distinctive thump from behind them followed by a very audible moan that ends in what _could_ be Spock’s name and then a growl. A fucking _growl._

Chekov’s eyes crinkle in confusion and then widen in recognition and he whips back around, spine ramrod straight and cheeks starting to fill red as he hugs the pad to his chest.

“Yes doctor, a drink would be wery welcome right now.”

“Good man,” Bones says and the smile doesn’t drop from his face all the way to med bay.

**Author's Note:**

> Bones and Chekov get fucking smashed and then Scotty finds his way into Bones' office cuz the man can like _smell_ good alcohol and then he also gets smashed and then he calls Uhura and she shows up with the rest of the bridge crew cuz there'd been an active bet about how long it would take Jim and Spock to realize things and then they all get smashed and they're all hungover as fuck the next day but it's all worth it when Jim walks onto the bridge with a limp.
> 
> :D
> 
> Come yell at me on [tumblr](https://ivillpunchyouinthethroat.tumblr.com/) if you want!


End file.
